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I cant help but get that sense of dread when I think back to how I got here.
I am 25 years old, and currently living with my parents for the last couple of months. This is a short dairy of how a regular girl from a all American family can becaome a drug fiend.
I come from a two parent family (gasp!Unbelievable I know!)and was raised like a girl should be, with everything I ever needed or wanted and a loving family that always supported me.I was always the nice little girl with the soft-spoken voice that didnt (doesnt) have a temper, or yell (that much) and stayed out of trouble. Things went terribly wrong somewhere. If I had to look back at where my life took the wrong turn, I would say aroung 18 to 19 years of age. Working full time as a waitress at a hole in the wall restaraunt with a bunch of other alcoholic, crack head, pill head junkies waitresses who thought it was funny to give me a pill (usually a painkiller) and watch me dance around the restaraunt with a smile on my face and not a care in the world. After I had gallbladder surgery at 19 I was in the hospital for a week, and the doctors messed up my surgery, they needed to give me a blood transfusion but I wouldnt take one, and they told me I'd die if I didnt. Well needless to say, I didnt take the transfusion, and they were scared of a law-suit (which I didnt sue, but now I regret that too!) so they doped me up even more. I dont remember the next month after that. A shot of Demerol every single HOUR!!! Fuck! And when I didn finally go home, I went with lots of heavy prescriptions in tow. So thats where it began. It didnt end there though.
I went back to my home and boyfriend of the time. I slowley got worse and worse after a couple of dealers started hanging around the restaraunts I worked in (in my own experience a lot of servers, cooks, ect. are addicted to something, you can always find a buyer in a restaraunt.)hell theyed deliver whenever I needed them to.So as my addiction grew worse and worse, and my general demeanor, some friends started to notice this was more then a weekend thing. I hid it as much as I could from my ex though, he was working a lot of time, so he didnt see me that all that often.
So skip ahead a couple of years. My ex had just proposed to me, bought me a new Jeep, and bought us a brand spanking new house in the country club. We were still very young, and everything was going our way. I didnt know anyone else who was 21 and had what I had. The problem was, I was taking at least 30 painkillers a day, and about 30 Somas as well. Most of the time I walked around like a drunken zombie ( because of the muscle relaxers) and would slur, fall asleep anywhere, and was just a dispicable mess. The stuff wasnt working as good as it used to of course, which led to a more expensive habit. Then my friendly neighborhood drug dealer introduced me to the devil. Its in the form of a suringe. I took my first hit of Morphine from that needle, that was home.
I have never done heroin, but Morphine, Oxy Cotins and the like are just a clean form of it, and I did a lot of that.
Soon there was no hiding it anymore, from anyone, especially not my ex-fiancee. I kept lying and it was working, telling him I was having massive migraines that were causing me to act this way.
One day we went to my parents to play paintball with a few friends, and one of the friends we brought knew that I had been getting high (it was obvious) and threatened to tell. My family asked him not to do it at there home, but he went straight out into the back yard and tells my ex that I've been using for quite sometime.He came in the house and confronted me. I admitted that what he was told was true. He kicked me out of the house that day, and took the engagement ring back.
That was that.5 years of a serious relationship and there was no working it out. I was a peice of trash that he threw out on the sidewalk to be collected. I needed him at that time more then I ever did, and he wasnt there. I then became scared of men. How could he say he loved me for all that time, and then do this when I needed him? I now know that all men are not like this, but it took me awhile to realize this as I was crushed, heartbroken and completley and utterly lost. My entire world just crashed.
I started the methadone clinic the following week, but not before overdosing for my first time. When my parents found me, they couldnt tell if I was breathing or not. I was told it was a very close call. I had planned on it being the last time of getting high, and it almost took my life.
I have been going to the meth clinic ever since, and have been a fairly good girl over the years. It takes away the cravings almost immediatly. I do kinda regret getting on the methadone though. Its like a band-aid. It just covers up the problem, even makes it worse. It will be much harder for me to get off the methadone then it would have been to get off the pills. I needed to do something quickley, especially with the mental stated I was in at the time. And for those of you wondering, no methadone is not a type of heroin.Its a synthetic painkiller. It was actually made by a scientist in WW1 because the had a terrible shortage on morphine for the soldiers, so they went to making a like drug to help the wounded while in battle. It never did reach those soldiers, but they did start using it years later. It is now being written out my pain management doctors quite freely as a painkiller.Everytime I tell someone I'm on methadone, they always say something likem "isnt that heroin?" well, where do they think the stuff in painkillers comes from? Its possible to get off of methadone, but its a lot harder unfortunatly then getting off the painkillers.
So for now I just do what I can, try to keep a stress free life (as much as I can) and "take it one day at a time" lol, like theres any other way to take it!
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magickalgemini's journal
optimistic